Sunday, March 15, 2015

A start to a new life - but strings attached

I have just recently moved out of my parent's home for the first time at a relatively late age. I've moved into a flatshare situation with a friend who I've known on-and-off for a few years. It all happened quite quickly to be honest. I'd been thinking about moving out for a while, but despite offers from other friends I was always a bit too scared to leave the nest. However, I decided to throw myself into the latest offer and now, about a month later, I'm now in my own flat. Trouble is, I now am having these horrible feelings that I've bitten off more than I can chew.

For starters I've moved into the city, whereas before I lived out in the suburbs. I thought that moving to the city would get me out of the house more, which I thought was the problem I was having by still being at home: I was just hanging about my bedroom a lot and not living life. However, I find it all quite intimidating and not least bit exciting. It's all quite a harsh environment. Also there was never any real concrete reason for me wanting to move, besides a vague feeling that I should because of my age. I suppose I thought it'd give me some more independence, but I pretty much had that living at home. If I wanted to learn to cook and clean more, I could have just done it at home.

I'll also admit that I miss my family quite a bit already. I keep popping by the house every so often to collect belongings, and everytime I go there I don't want to leave. I'm already having these feelings of wanting to just abort everything and move back, and just pay the rent on my flat for the lease I've signed so I don't leave my friend in the lurch. But let's face it: that's really not an option. I'd be mortally embarassed to do such a thing, especially at my age. So instead I've resigned myself to sticking it out, at least until the lease is up. However, this is giving me a horrible "trapped" feeling and I'm scared how I'm going to cope. Sometimes when I think about the situation I feel quite positive, but the reality strikes me when I come back to the flat and the feelings of dread come back. I just feel so far away from everything I used to have. I was quite close to my family, and lot of my life was part of the small town I lived in. I feel I've lost all that, and for what?

Is it natural to have these feelings? Do they fade overtime or am I too much into living at "home" that I'll never break away from it? I sometimes wish I'd moved out, but not so far away - like maybe rented a small flat in the same town. I've got a car and it's not much to drive back home, but even then I still feel so far away and isolated.
Leaving the nest, whenever you do it, takes some adjusting for some people. What are the reasons for such strong attachments to home?

I know for me, mine were a very strong closeness with my family. It was hard for me to leave them from an emotional standpoint, because I was afraid we wouldn't be as close anymore in the same way. When I realized that we are, and that it actually strengthened our relationship in many ways (made our time together count, versus taking it for granted and sometimes wasting it), I stopped feeling so homesick.
But for a long while, every time I went home, I felt like you do...not wanting to leave, wishing I were still there. Many people don't identify with this, but they don't have the same relationship with their families that I do. So no matter were you go strings are always attached, even though we move back to our family the attachment which we have in our new life will also be so strong that we cannot get easily detached from it. Every home has its own story to tell.

P.S - This is a fictional post


Bikram said...

the PS in the end .. says its fiction .. But a good fiction ..


vinisha shah said...

Thank you bikram :)

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